the world is quite beautiful after a rough week. i’m sitting in my chair, at my desk, struggling to finish my notes that were due two days ago. it’s 3:14 am. i kind of want to cry. there’s this weird feeling in my chest i’m struggling to describe. it wants to express itself. art is on the tip of my tongue yet i can’t find an outlet. it just sits there, the feeling. stagnant. it’s funny though because it crashes against my ribcage like waves. it fills my lungs with water, floods them until i’m coughing up dirty, murky, water that should be clear because it’s moving so fast, no? i think it’s been polluted. my lungs have trash in them. oil and plastic coat my throat. i don’t know where i’m going with this one. i want to write beautifully but i don’t know what to say. there are no metaphors. i am slowly being poisoned from the inside out and my skin is only starting to turn grey. i love being awake now. hozier has such a good voice for this time. the world is dead at the moment. all i want to do is walk and breathe and stare up. the world doesn’t sound real. it doesn’t feel real. i think i could stand on a cliff and fall backwards and feel the rush of air around me and never land. i think i’m going to sit on the floor and think for a bit.
(disclaimer: i got a fifteen minute broad overview of what’s happened so far from my boyf)
- i saw spoilers and i thought finn’s name was ben the entire movie and expected him to die
- i love the friendship between poe (my fav) and finn
- rey is lowkey annoying like i love the independence and ferocity in her but she needs to learn to be a team player c’mon man it’s such a typical hero character flaw
- i will say her outfit is sO good like it’s very practical
- oof the scene w the water and her and goth dude fighting ??? so so so good looked like a painting the colors and the brightness of their light sabers omg !!!!!
- i also loved rey’s super cool flip in the desert uGh yes
- speaking of desert, that lil boba dude is adorable
- also my boyf started dancing the first opening scene there w the snail ppl lmao
- the end when she passes kylo ren the light saber was SO SO DOPE i cannot get over it
- when she calls herself a skywalker ngl i don’t know her at all but it was expected yet v welcomed ? i like lost characters finding a home plus i’m a big believer in founded families rather than blood like biology imo should not play such a huge role but idk i digress
- the girl in the maroon was so slick she rocked
- i really enjoyed the quips and banter like there were some great one liners in there
- i don’t know the whole kylo ren backstory and the rey thing but it’s lowkey creepy like i get he’s looking for affection and he’s a broken character who’s been led down this dark path and i like the character not being completely “bad” plus the redemption arc but the dynamic w rey is weird ? and they don’t seem to be a good fit ? idk maybe i missed something (or two other movies) but it seems a liiiiiittle toxic
- i’m gonna say it: i think kylo ren deserved to die. he was a bad guy. sure, circumstances influenced that but it seemed like he made decisions until he came to realize he can make changes. it’s important to make sure he’s held accountable y’know? he followed through. no one else forced him (right?)
- i got chills when all the spaceships showed up that was amazing
- poe my baby !! he stepped up so well as the general
- the funky lil bond between rey and kylo ren cinematically was beautiful ?? the sets spliced together and the way things fell in one and out the other and just wow !! it was really cool
- ok but why’d they kiss y’all
- OHHHH THE ROBOTS WERE SO CUTE the lil rolly poly one and the one that talked and gosh wow they’re adorable
- i definitely missed some stuff i wanted to talk about and a lot went over my head like the voices who lend her strength at the end i don’t know who they are but i understood they were impactful characters who shaped this universe y’know ? i was never so confused i didn’t know what was going on and i definitely was entertained. would i see it again? probably not. do i want to watch more? not particularly but it was still a decent movie
A very…horror-colored collection of Buzzfeed Unsolved creatures and objects. All featured in my Buzzfeed Unsolved zine, available up on Gumroad (gumroad dot com/grrrenadine) for free!
a paper love, that’s all. i fell for you because when you were walking to class you mimed forgetting your phone before turning around. i fell for you because as you held your dog’s leash, you let him pull his way towards me. i fell for you because i heard you on the phone saying “it’s a beautiful sunset here too, mom”. i fell for you because you reached for your glasses before reading something or for the look on your face when you saw the raccoon in our yard or the way your shoulders shifted during the movie. i folded you and your face into my pocket. i don’t know your name, but that’s okay. i have so many of these loves that they have formed libraries.
in the white space of my depression i take out each little paragraph of love. a woman who passed me hot sauce because she overheard me asking my partner. a little girl and her kitten. a man singing a lullaby to his daughter. these are good places and people to keep. they are weightless, you see. when i am drowning i remind myself: here is love, if it exists.
and if i exist, maybe i am in someone’s library of goodness. they saw me dancing in my car to my chemical romance in the year 2019. they heard me reciting shrek as if it was romeo and juliet. they watched one of my silly, lonely moments - and i was not alone, then. even if i felt it so wide and hungry that it took up all the space in me. if i can love a shadow, then maybe a shadow might love me. it is okay i do not get confessions or movie dates or songs written about me. it is okay if the love i get is just this, a flashing, to remind someone: the world is so lovely, and we are all stories worth remembering.
you talked about your callouses the other day and they really really don’t bother me. i love tracing your hands and feeling every line and bump. it’s like those 3d maps with the mountain ranges y’know? i don’t know. i like being soft with your hands. i like circling around your knuckles and going up up up to the top of your finger then going back down. i like playing with your hands too. i’m a fidgety person but i like sitting next to you and just grabbing your hand. i think i sometimes play with it subconsciously during conversations with your mom. i’ll catch myself wrapping my hand around a finger or just dragging you with me because i talk with my hands all the time.
i like holding your hand especially walking out to either of our cars after hanging out. i like bumping into you and your hand immediately wraps around mine because you know exactly what i want. i also like being ahead of you and reaching behind me because you always always hurry up and grab my hand and it’s so cute. god i didn’t know talking about your hands could make me so sad but here we are. i like holding your hand because i like turning and looking at you with this big smile. i know i can’t see myself but i feel my eyes light up. god i am never as happy as when i’m walking with you in our own world under the stars able to look you in the eye and listen to you talk.
i like your hands when one is running through my hair and the other is tracing a random pattern up my arm. it always give me soft little tingles. and you playing with my hair instantly puts me to sleep. it’s crazy how fast it knocks me out. your hands are so soothing and gentle. you’re very good at using your hands in the way you want. i like your hands in a sexual way too because they’re so strong and they fit so well into my mouth or on my hip. you take control and hold my wrists above my head, but you’ve never hurt me. like you’ve never gone too far or pushed too much. you’ve only ever touched me in a good way. in a way i’m okay with. not everyone is like that. a lot of hands are grabby and greedy and it’s so silly because we’re taught from a very young age to keep our hands to ourselves. but that’s a tangent. right now i want to talk about how your hands are sometimes the only physical channel i have with you and you’re very good at using them to express your love. for example when you kiss me, your hand always comes up to my face and it’s so warm and sweet and it just belongs there. i want your hand there. and i like putting mine on top and just watch your pretty eyes move. (i could write a whole thing just on your eyes and the way they melt and trace my face and look fragile because you’re willing to be vulnerable and let me in so i can love you better but that’s for another day.)
i like when your fingers trace my lips. time slows down then. i think it’s very kind of time to let us stay in one moment and absorb it all. because you trace my lips with your thumb and my forehead with your pointer finger and i just feel myself fall more in love with you. i can’t describe the look on your face other than reverent and god what a feeling that is to be on the receiving end. i hope you know i’m always a little breathless, a little in awe when i look at you when i cup your face in my own hands and smile and stroke your cheeks because i love touching you and being soft with you. i love your hands too. i love when they run my smooth legs or slip down my pants or pick me up either in a sexual way or you want to make me laugh. i love when they’re on my face or in my hair and i do mean that in both contexts. but in the end your hands are soft like you. they reflect your heart and i appreciate it because i know you’re so awfully soft for me. and i hope you know your hands hold my heart and they’re so firm in grip but you’ve never hurt it. i don’t think you will though. i love your hands ty. i love what they do and how they make me feel. i love what they symbolize. did you know they’re one of the most expressive things about you? your hands just prove how much you love me and god if just your hands can do that imagine how much love your whole body shows.
